Only broken hearts can spill.

I'm sitting on my doorstep and the light of today is slowly slipping away. I've felt the urge to write a letter. Not to the boy I miss. Not to the professor that hurt me. Not to the supervisor that labeled me. Not to the friends who are just as fallible and weak as I. Nope. God, this one's for you.

I'm so used to feeling OK. So OK that not feeling OK feels foreign, terrifying, and belittling. School was the one thing that was stable in my life. My walk with God has been shaken and I'm on a constant journey to become one with Him again. My feelings of guilt from past events have haunted me for too long. My love life is completely nonexistant -- and recently too. The one boy that I want to talk to is avoiding me. But hey, school is good! Clinic is great! Everyone thinks I'm good because I look good. I stay positive because I don't want people to think I'm human. Heaven forbid.

Yesterday in church, we talked about letting God take the throne. Funny concept. He's God, there's a throne, and He's on it. Yes, He rules the world, but He lets us take some control of our own lives.

It's time to face the facts. In my life, I've been wearing the crown. I've been obtaining (and keeping) all the glory that belongs to Him and Him alone! All these accomplishments, relationships, and joys that I've put my name on don't actually come from or belong to me. Anytime that we put something before God, He says, "Nope." All things are meaningless. God is a jealous God.

It hurt to be labeled with a stamp of failure (Oh, grades. You are my Dionysus.) But what broke the camel's back was to be called out--Twice! One by my client and one by an instructor who's supposed to know more than me. And it hurt! So as I sit here in my self-pity and web of "Why me?", I have to ask myself... why does the world's view of me matter more than God's view. I've fallen so short of His glory and have forgotten to give back ALL the good things He gives to me. And today, He said He's had enough. And He's calling me to put down my phone, set aside my friends, and come to Him FIRST.

Dear God,
I've had a terrible day. If I could, I'd lay in bed and cry. But I asked you to be the center of my world, and today, you rocked it. Please take away the hurt, Abba Daddy, and let your Spirit fill me instead! Your Spirit who is kind, loving, and does not torment with guilt when we so deserve it! Please God, fill me up. Let your glory fill my soul and pour out to everyone that I meet! Fill every corner of my being--even those dark places where bitter, sad thoughts lie--and renew me from the inside out! For without you, I'm a pathetic little grad student with weak skin who can't do everything independently. But with you, there are no limitations. There is no regret, no guilt, and no shame! Let my ears be tuned to your words only, let my eyes see what you see. Let the evil one--who I am so prone to follow--be expelled to the ends of the earth and beyond. Bind my wandering heart to thee, O Lord. I am prone to follow the things that lead to destruction and heartbreak. Cleanse me so that I may look outwardly and serve you with all my heart and soul. Let me be free, God, as you intended. Open my eyes to see that all the successes and fulfillment of this world don't hold a candle to your greatness. For all else is shadows and dust.


Thank you for hearing my prayer. I love you and seek you with everything that I am. 


Amen.

the notebook.

For those of who you have experienced the dreaded "long distance relationship", you know how much of a bummer it can be. But the upside? Distance sometimes really does make the heart grow fonder.

I made a book of notes for my boyfriend in Boston. It's full of letters, notes, doodles and quotes to make him smile while we're far far away!

The cover. 

Cutesy doodle and bag of notes. :)

Poem out of a vintage book and envelope full of post-it notes for him to hang everywhere!

The little note on top reads:
Step 1: Open envelope
Step 2: Remove sticky notes of joy
Step 3: Stick everywhere
Step 4: Stand back and admire

"Small fingers 

lost 

in 

his hands 

as if to say 

I care for you."

(The page was taken out of a 1956 Readers Digest edition.)

Post-its! So fun!

We're planning a road trip when he gets back. Just a little reminder for him that good times are waiting for him at home! :)

I attached a pre-addressed, pre-paid envelope so he can write me. 

The envelopes hold little verses and quotes. I printed them in cutesy fonts on transparencies... and they look super cute!

Happy weekend everyone!

I cherish the right to be ridiculous.

wanna see a magic trick?

Embrace the inner dork.
That's one thing I've had to learn. 

I still tend to be too hard on myself. It's so easy to dwell on the negative qualities. The bad habits. The thingsIwishIsaid's and the thingsIwishIhadn't's. But that's life.

Just think: out of 53 muscles of facial expression, 12 are required to smile. The zygomatic major/minor muscles, orbicularis occuli (especially for those of us who smile with our eyes!), risorius, levator labii superior, and levator anguli oris. On the contrary, it takes only 11 to frown. Why?

1. I think it takes a stronger person to laugh at themselves. There's physical proof here! (Yay, anatomy classes!) Sitting and pouting and feeling sorry for oneself can be all too easy. 2. God also created us to be imperfect. I believe that every day is a bit of a workout -- an opportunity to learn something new, become stronger... but some days we can only fall flat on our faces. So darling, just laugh.

I challenge ye: Be goofy on purpose!

So on those off days, remember that you reserve the right to be imperfect. And you reserve the right to love yourself and love the life you're living... quirks, whims and all!

The key to the Creator's heart: Brush and canvas

We were created so that we could create beautiful things. 

I'm always astounded at how creating draws me closer to the heart of MY Creator.
(Messy hair and ripped jeans and all.)

Our Savior is also the ultimate artist. He looked out over His work of art and saw that it was good. Genesis 1:31.

We are in no way capable of creating anything remotely close to what He is capable of.
But He sees our efforts and the joy we obtain through art. And He, in return, is satisfied in our contentment.

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth." Ecclesiastes 12:1

little things

just-littlethings.tumblr.com

Good things

Tonight, I am letting myself post some good things about today.

1. God's relentless pursuit of my heart has left me both humbled and mystified.

2. I made the decision to attend SDSU in the fall. In two years: Christina Lee, M.A., CCC-SLP!!

3. Spent the morning indulging in Gilmore Girls and Everwood reruns.

4. I realized how wonderfully blessed I am to have such amazing friends.

5. God is good.

6. Coffee and terragon chicken sandwich.

7. I am so relieved to have been accepted to graduate school. I can't wait to start!

8. Did I mention how awesome God is?? :)

Goodnight, world.