I'm sitting on my doorstep and the light of today is slowly slipping away. I've felt the urge to write a letter. Not to the boy I miss. Not to the professor that hurt me. Not to the supervisor that labeled me. Not to the friends who are just as fallible and weak as I. Nope. God, this one's for you.
I'm so used to feeling OK. So OK that not feeling OK feels foreign, terrifying, and belittling. School was the one thing that was stable in my life. My walk with God has been shaken and I'm on a constant journey to become one with Him again. My feelings of guilt from past events have haunted me for too long. My love life is completely nonexistant -- and recently too. The one boy that I want to talk to is avoiding me. But hey, school is good! Clinic is great! Everyone thinks I'm good because I look good. I stay positive because I don't want people to think I'm human. Heaven forbid.
Yesterday in church, we talked about letting God take the throne. Funny concept. He's God, there's a throne, and He's on it. Yes, He rules the world, but He lets us take some control of our own lives.
It's time to face the facts. In my life, I've been wearing the crown. I've been obtaining (and keeping) all the glory that belongs to Him and Him alone! All these accomplishments, relationships, and joys that I've put my name on don't actually come from or belong to me. Anytime that we put something before God, He says, "Nope." All things are meaningless. God is a jealous God.
It hurt to be labeled with a stamp of failure (Oh, grades. You are my Dionysus.) But what broke the camel's back was to be called out--Twice! One by my client and one by an instructor who's supposed to know more than me. And it hurt! So as I sit here in my self-pity and web of "Why me?", I have to ask myself... why does the world's view of me matter more than God's view. I've fallen so short of His glory and have forgotten to give back ALL the good things He gives to me. And today, He said He's had enough. And He's calling me to put down my phone, set aside my friends, and come to Him FIRST.
Dear God,
I've had a terrible day. If I could, I'd lay in bed and cry. But I asked you to be the center of my world, and today, you rocked it. Please take away the hurt, Abba Daddy, and let your Spirit fill me instead! Your Spirit who is kind, loving, and does not torment with guilt when we so deserve it! Please God, fill me up. Let your glory fill my soul and pour out to everyone that I meet! Fill every corner of my being--even those dark places where bitter, sad thoughts lie--and renew me from the inside out! For without you, I'm a pathetic little grad student with weak skin who can't do everything independently. But with you, there are no limitations. There is no regret, no guilt, and no shame! Let my ears be tuned to your words only, let my eyes see what you see. Let the evil one--who I am so prone to follow--be expelled to the ends of the earth and beyond. Bind my wandering heart to thee, O Lord. I am prone to follow the things that lead to destruction and heartbreak. Cleanse me so that I may look outwardly and serve you with all my heart and soul. Let me be free, God, as you intended. Open my eyes to see that all the successes and fulfillment of this world don't hold a candle to your greatness. For all else is shadows and dust.
Thank you for hearing my prayer. I love you and seek you with everything that I am.
Amen.
