Only broken hearts can spill.

I'm sitting on my doorstep and the light of today is slowly slipping away. I've felt the urge to write a letter. Not to the boy I miss. Not to the professor that hurt me. Not to the supervisor that labeled me. Not to the friends who are just as fallible and weak as I. Nope. God, this one's for you.

I'm so used to feeling OK. So OK that not feeling OK feels foreign, terrifying, and belittling. School was the one thing that was stable in my life. My walk with God has been shaken and I'm on a constant journey to become one with Him again. My feelings of guilt from past events have haunted me for too long. My love life is completely nonexistant -- and recently too. The one boy that I want to talk to is avoiding me. But hey, school is good! Clinic is great! Everyone thinks I'm good because I look good. I stay positive because I don't want people to think I'm human. Heaven forbid.

Yesterday in church, we talked about letting God take the throne. Funny concept. He's God, there's a throne, and He's on it. Yes, He rules the world, but He lets us take some control of our own lives.

It's time to face the facts. In my life, I've been wearing the crown. I've been obtaining (and keeping) all the glory that belongs to Him and Him alone! All these accomplishments, relationships, and joys that I've put my name on don't actually come from or belong to me. Anytime that we put something before God, He says, "Nope." All things are meaningless. God is a jealous God.

It hurt to be labeled with a stamp of failure (Oh, grades. You are my Dionysus.) But what broke the camel's back was to be called out--Twice! One by my client and one by an instructor who's supposed to know more than me. And it hurt! So as I sit here in my self-pity and web of "Why me?", I have to ask myself... why does the world's view of me matter more than God's view. I've fallen so short of His glory and have forgotten to give back ALL the good things He gives to me. And today, He said He's had enough. And He's calling me to put down my phone, set aside my friends, and come to Him FIRST.

Dear God,
I've had a terrible day. If I could, I'd lay in bed and cry. But I asked you to be the center of my world, and today, you rocked it. Please take away the hurt, Abba Daddy, and let your Spirit fill me instead! Your Spirit who is kind, loving, and does not torment with guilt when we so deserve it! Please God, fill me up. Let your glory fill my soul and pour out to everyone that I meet! Fill every corner of my being--even those dark places where bitter, sad thoughts lie--and renew me from the inside out! For without you, I'm a pathetic little grad student with weak skin who can't do everything independently. But with you, there are no limitations. There is no regret, no guilt, and no shame! Let my ears be tuned to your words only, let my eyes see what you see. Let the evil one--who I am so prone to follow--be expelled to the ends of the earth and beyond. Bind my wandering heart to thee, O Lord. I am prone to follow the things that lead to destruction and heartbreak. Cleanse me so that I may look outwardly and serve you with all my heart and soul. Let me be free, God, as you intended. Open my eyes to see that all the successes and fulfillment of this world don't hold a candle to your greatness. For all else is shadows and dust.


Thank you for hearing my prayer. I love you and seek you with everything that I am. 


Amen.

the notebook.

For those of who you have experienced the dreaded "long distance relationship", you know how much of a bummer it can be. But the upside? Distance sometimes really does make the heart grow fonder.

I made a book of notes for my boyfriend in Boston. It's full of letters, notes, doodles and quotes to make him smile while we're far far away!

The cover. 

Cutesy doodle and bag of notes. :)

Poem out of a vintage book and envelope full of post-it notes for him to hang everywhere!

The little note on top reads:
Step 1: Open envelope
Step 2: Remove sticky notes of joy
Step 3: Stick everywhere
Step 4: Stand back and admire

"Small fingers 

lost 

in 

his hands 

as if to say 

I care for you."

(The page was taken out of a 1956 Readers Digest edition.)

Post-its! So fun!

We're planning a road trip when he gets back. Just a little reminder for him that good times are waiting for him at home! :)

I attached a pre-addressed, pre-paid envelope so he can write me. 

The envelopes hold little verses and quotes. I printed them in cutesy fonts on transparencies... and they look super cute!

Happy weekend everyone!

I cherish the right to be ridiculous.

wanna see a magic trick?

Embrace the inner dork.
That's one thing I've had to learn. 

I still tend to be too hard on myself. It's so easy to dwell on the negative qualities. The bad habits. The thingsIwishIsaid's and the thingsIwishIhadn't's. But that's life.

Just think: out of 53 muscles of facial expression, 12 are required to smile. The zygomatic major/minor muscles, orbicularis occuli (especially for those of us who smile with our eyes!), risorius, levator labii superior, and levator anguli oris. On the contrary, it takes only 11 to frown. Why?

1. I think it takes a stronger person to laugh at themselves. There's physical proof here! (Yay, anatomy classes!) Sitting and pouting and feeling sorry for oneself can be all too easy. 2. God also created us to be imperfect. I believe that every day is a bit of a workout -- an opportunity to learn something new, become stronger... but some days we can only fall flat on our faces. So darling, just laugh.

I challenge ye: Be goofy on purpose!

So on those off days, remember that you reserve the right to be imperfect. And you reserve the right to love yourself and love the life you're living... quirks, whims and all!

The key to the Creator's heart: Brush and canvas

We were created so that we could create beautiful things. 

I'm always astounded at how creating draws me closer to the heart of MY Creator.
(Messy hair and ripped jeans and all.)

Our Savior is also the ultimate artist. He looked out over His work of art and saw that it was good. Genesis 1:31.

We are in no way capable of creating anything remotely close to what He is capable of.
But He sees our efforts and the joy we obtain through art. And He, in return, is satisfied in our contentment.

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth." Ecclesiastes 12:1

little things

just-littlethings.tumblr.com

Good things

Tonight, I am letting myself post some good things about today.

1. God's relentless pursuit of my heart has left me both humbled and mystified.

2. I made the decision to attend SDSU in the fall. In two years: Christina Lee, M.A., CCC-SLP!!

3. Spent the morning indulging in Gilmore Girls and Everwood reruns.

4. I realized how wonderfully blessed I am to have such amazing friends.

5. God is good.

6. Coffee and terragon chicken sandwich.

7. I am so relieved to have been accepted to graduate school. I can't wait to start!

8. Did I mention how awesome God is?? :)

Goodnight, world.

What the Proust?!

I came across Marcel Proust's Swann's Way in a used bookstore a while ago. 

Light reading? Not quite.

Needless to say, I barely made it through the first three pages.

Go ahead. Cackle.

But in my defense...

I'm rather certain that those first four pages were merely one comma-infested, eternally drawn out, painstakingly gruesome but oh, so eloquently and beautifully crafted sentence; alas the kind that enthralls you with its salaciously masterful diction but ever so delicately steals your soul with every superfluous, wholeheartedly unnecessary display of punctuation.

Ha! Bring it, Marcy. Two can play this game.

Two little scholars. With Starbucks

Yesterday, I had 3 cups of Starbucks coffee.

Bad idea. But you probably guessed that!

So I decided that today would be different.

No coffee!

I lasted til 3:30pm.
Little victories.
Anyways..

So I got my Grande iced nonfat coffee and decided that I should bring a little something for my next student.

Kids Menu: Cool.

Milk? No, if she's lactose like me... we could have a problem.

Juice? Not every kid likes every kind of juice.

Apple Cider or Hot Chocolate? No, today is no "hot drink" day.

I asked the barista if they had non-coffee drinks for kids.
Lemonade, maybe?

He was super sweet and said he could whip something up.

So cute!
He put some syrup and lemon juice in a bitty cup and handed it to me with a smile.

About half an hour later..

Lidny and I are sipping our Starbucks, working hard...

And I laugh to myself.

I'm breeding a little minion. 

I'm helping her develop good study habits,

and introducing her to Starbucks.

Lemonade.

The gateway to a daily Grande Pike's.

(Hypothetically speaking. SO not me.. *cough*)

For the thousandth time, I love my job. :)

monsters

Why is it that every child dreams that they're being chased by a gigantic thing with teeth?
Why is it that every elementary schooler plays lava monster?
Why is it that something always haunts the closet or lurks in the dark, unknown underside of the bed?
Why is it that every prince has to slay some sort of beast in order to win the heart of the fair princess?

Why do we create such elaborate fantasies that always have some sort of terrifying, mysterious, elusive, dangerous, daunting creature involved?

Every story has a villain.

What I'm slowly finding that the most deadly villain has been one that can't be seen or heard, but can most definitely be experienced. The price of following God is one that cannot be measured -- His death was given so that we may live for Him... which is not always an easy thing to do. I feel that God has given me so many opportunities to bless others. I am so grateful for that! I find joy by being his hands, his feet and spokesperson. I think I understand His love the most when I am passing on HIM to friends, family, or even random strangers in passing. However, Satan sees this and I feel him trying to bring me down. Lately, my happiness has been superficial and my temperament has been less than lovely.

I have always struggled with self-confidence. Especially recently. I never quite feel smart enough, good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, strong enough, brave enough, kind enough, patient enough... the list goes on.

I would be naive to claim that this inner struggle is unfamiliar to others. I know that I am not the only one to feel insecure at time.

The most formidable enemy is the one that we fight alone.

To be quite honest, I'm not sure what inspired me to write this. But I felt that I needed some sort of outlet to make my declaration. Whatever monster is trying to keep me from getting out of bed in the morning, whatever demon is trying to attack my incredible family, whatever thing keeps telling me that I just don't measure up... it's on.

In this story, I hope that this princess does not let any mortal prince fight her battle for her. Rather, I hope that she realizes who her Creator is and that He is greater than any monster. I hope that the princess ventures into her nightmares, enters dark closets, and passes through fire... only to find that no villain can ever bring her down.

Wise Words

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Ella, ella...

Running through pouring rain in sandals without an umbrella through flooded streets--although refreshing--is far from ideal. Naturally, it's got me looking for cute umbrellas. Here are my favorites:

Cath Kidston

Lulu, $50
**I think I've found my favorite... :)


Barneys New York, $125


Modcloth, $30



House of Frasier (UK) $41



 MARC Marc Jacobs, $48
*I'm digging the birdie handle!

Cath Kidston

Stay warm dry and fuzzy, friends!

-Christina

The definition of dormancy in green and white

oversizedgreencardigan.blogspot.com?

Woke up from a nap and didn't feel like doing anything.

I have a feeling that today isn't going to be very productive... 

So THAT'S how you do it...

Thank you, Paula Deen!

A.) Napkin

B.) Dinner plate

C.) Salad plate

D.) Bread plate

E.) Water glass

F.) Red wineglass

G.) White wineglass

H.) Fish fork

I.) Dinner fork

J.) Salad fork

K.) Dinner knife

L.) Fish knife

M.) Soup spoon

N.) Dessert spoon and fork

Morning Playlist

This is a short compilation of warm, fuzzy, folksy, pleasantly effervescent tunes to get you going in the morning.

Happy Thursday!

"This is for you, Teacher."

So one of my kiddos was 10 minutes late to her session today. She showed up with an apple and a big smile. Maybe her mom thought it would be a good way to butter me up. Call me a sucker, but it definitely worked.

I absolutely love my job. It's funny to think how just a little over a month ago I was praying so hard for a job. Any job for that matter! And God blessed me with this tutoring position.

At the end of my third session (long day), one of my little kidlets showed her dad her answer sheet. She was super proud of all the "100%"'s. I thought her dad would give the usual parent response of "Oh, good job." But he stood there for what felt like ages, holding that paper, beaming. He thanked me over and over before I left.

Scarfing down dinner of apple soda (a little gift from a student) and stale cheerios in the car in between sessions in rush hour traffic? Filling out tedious reports and constantly swapping out books and materials?

So worth it.
Thank you God! I always pray before I get to a session. Pray that I'll make it there safely. That my kiddos will do their best. That our sessions will be blessed. And man oh man, are they!

So I'll leave with this funny little moment from today. Evelyn is 7 years old and a complete riot.

Me: "Okay, now read this wo--"
Evelyn: "You're my friend, so I love you. Will you always be our teacher? What if you go to jail? We could bring you flowers and things. AHH but we'd have to go to the jail to get tutoring!! Nooo..." 

Beautiful

C is for...

cabalistic phrase        [cabalistic = secret or hidden meaning]
calculating admiration
callous indifference
calm resignation
calumnious suspicions 
canting hypocrite  [canting = monotonous platitudes; hypocritically pious]

capacious mind
capricious allurements
captivating speech
cardinal merit
careless parrying
caressing grasp

casual violation
causelessly frightened
cautious skepticism
ceaseless vigilance
celebrated instance

celestial joy
ceremonious courtesy
cerulean blue

complimentary glance

Lovely Strangers

www.dannyst.com/gallery/portraits-of-strangers/

This has to be one of the most amazing blogs I've seen in a while. To make up for my brief "RAWR, angry-jaded-V-day-hater post", I've decided to put up something beautiful. 

Happy Thursday!

Hey, screw you too Valentine's Day.